Kat's Cherry Garden

Due to my recent obsession with hairstyling, I recently had a dream about doing a formal updo on Dani. He looked gorgeus, shnobel' and all. Now that sufficient time has passed, my heart no longer somersaults when I run into him or have dreams where we're still in love together.
Despite family drama, I'm doing pretty well. Kitties bring daily joy into my life, and so does my Penzor Sarcastitron Bastard Sandworm The My husband-thing.

Since everybody else is doing it, I might as well jump on the bandwagon. I can see how something like this could be useful. So here goes nothing:

2009
- Spent New Years Eve with J at the airport, waiting for luggage. Dad met us at the airport and brought us over to Antibes 100, where mom greeted us drunk and angry, cause we were late.
- Savage Garden closed its doors in the beginning of January. It was my favorite nightclub ever. Dani snuck me in there for the first time when I was still 18, when I went there the second time I met Jeff, then I also met Adam there. I brought Epic Fail there and got really drunk with him. I had my 21st birthday afterparty there too.
- Around mid-January I finished my first short story that I'm proud of. It took a whole year to complete, with edits and all.
- The 3-month long York strike made things a bit weird. It lasted till February, I think.
- I've been working on my undergraduate thesis from October '08 to April '09. It was hard, but I did really well. Working on a large project like that taught me a lot about myself.
- On March 24 (I think), I found out that Michael died a few days prior. It was the first time somebody's death had affected me so much. I grieved for a long time, and I miss him to this day. He was a great friend and mentor, and I think he's my guardian angel now.
- Went to Ottawa for the first time on March 22. Went to a cool museum. Had amazing food. Hated competing with Theresa for J's time and attention.
- Graduated in June.
- Got married in July, went to London, Wales and Paris for the honeymoon. The wedding was awesome, but poorly planned in some respects.
- Went to Newfoundland visit the in-laws in August.
- In September J visited the US for a conference. Missed him a lot.
- Found a job at the Source in October, left it in the beginning of December due to my manager being a butt and using yelling as a disciplinary tool.
- Got a kitten in September or October from the Humane Society, and she fit in really well with Shpion.
- My parents split in mid-October, and my mother made my life impossible with copious amounts of drama.
- Made an awesome friend (don't remember when, seems like we've known each other for years) who gets along great with J.
- Took my antidepressants like a good girl throughout the year and noticed significant improvement in functioning.
- Started painiting again in June, and continued on and off ever since.
- Went to tyhe Dominican Republic for a week in November all by myself and managed to not get into much trouble.

New Year's Eve
Celebrated at Subspace, with J and Dave. Missed the countdown. Talked to Jeff and briefly saw Dani in the crowd and then outside having a smoke. Danced my butt off, flirted, played (both on top and on the bottom), had fun. Then had a minor incident involving non-consensual touching by strangers, freaked out a bit, and had to wait for a taxi for 1.5 hours in the freezing cold. All in all, the night was fun. I realized that my past no longer owns me, and things don't bother me unless I let them. I've grown up A LOT this year.

Now, for 2010 I hope to:

Try different jobs, and hopefully make some money in the process.
Go to Israel and see my relatives.
Create a lot of quality art.
Keep reading lots of (good) books.
Be a great partnet to J and mommy to the cats.
Quit smoking.
Start taking better care of my health (eat well, sleep well, exercise).
Get my driver's licence.
Fix up the house.
Get over my mommy issues.
Write at least one other (quality) short story.
Decide whether I want to go to grad school for psychology OR hairdressibng college OR art therapy institute.
Exercise compassion and empathy in moderation.
Become more confident and assertive.
Work on becoming more "present".

It's 1.30 and I'm still up. I miss J too much already.
I'm planning to spend tomorrow cleaning up & painting.
Then on Monday I'll hide the gifts around the house for J to find.
I'm not in a journaling mood, but I don't know what else to do. Maybe job-search stuff. My brain is too gooey, though.

I haven't been depressed for 4 days now. I'm painting, looking forward to New Year's and in generally good spirits. Awesome!
I got my hair done today and it's looking pretty good. Can\t wait to show it off to J.
The cats are playing and fighting as usual, and having them in my life makes me feel important. I am their mommy (it's not a dirty word anymore) and they are my annoying but much beloved babies.
I am having strange dreams about Dani (finally I can say this name without my heart sinking) and Jeff, however. It's a bit pathetic, really, because some part of my brain just refuses to let go. Now that I have a wonderful loving family all the regrets, and nightmares, and deja vus should have subsided by now. Oh well. It can't all be awesome.
What's super awesome, though, is how I'm dealing with J being as far away as he is. I miss him, of course, but I am still doing what I would otherwise be doing. I don't feel empty, or torn open, or afraid. I know he'll be back soon and we'll have a great time.
Wow, I almost sound manic in comparison to most of my other posts. :)

Whenever J leaves the house for a long time I feel a bit lost.
Today's not an exception.
I watched a movie, knitted at Starbucks, painted. Net stalked a very special ex. Talked to another ex on the phone. Called a few friends to let them know they should visit me before they go home for the holidays. Petted the cats and rearranged them when they fell asleep. Made up a cool song (but forgot to write it down). Talked to dad.
Boiled some macaroni and consumed them with salt & olive oil. Scratched off a pimple on my chin and now it's grown twice its original size.
Read postsecret in the morning without much enthusiasm.
Did I mention petting the cats? They're such joy to me.
Painting is also nice. Especially now that I'm exploring colors and shapes, giving no thought to realistic representation.
I don't know what else to say. I'm out of practice with lj, or any type of journal for that matter.
I am glad I stayed home though, cause going to Ramea for a week would probably suck. J and I would get on each others' nerves, I'd worry about my furbabies constantly, and let's not forget the drunken senile father-in-law.
I miss J a bit though, and it's only been 10 hours.
I was going to go to bed an hour ago, but instead wasted time on the Web. I guess I'll have my last smoke and retire, now that I've gone through the day in my head, and, hopefully, my sleep will be peaceful this time.

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted here. Usually I'm either too mopey or too busy with what we call "real life".
Today I got yelled at by my manager and sent home for being late again. I know it's a problem, but I'm usually only, like 5-10 minutes late. I try to leave on time/10 min early, but either the bus service is fucked up, or Schro decides to follow me across Steeles (stupid cat!), or I suddenly reaize I can't find keys/wallet/cellphone/glasses just before I leave, or right when I'm at the bus stop. I'm quitting this job sooner rather than later. I'm not made for butt-licking retail positions anyway.
I need to start looking for suitable employment again, and make sure I have all the papers for the Israel & grad school applications.
I'm also going to allocate about $100 from my next paycheque to buy some more paints and/or canvases(sp?).
I'm so happy with my three cats, even thoughthey're annoying and get underfoot far too much. Shaloma (the youngest one) has had her stitches taken outand she probably hasn't even noticed that her uterus is missing. Shpion still thinks he's her mommy, and the two are so cute when they groom each other and sleep in a pile. Schro still hates everyone, but she's so much like Tisha that I'm okay with that.
This is my life so far, well, a small glimpse into what I call "my life". Since nobody is probably reading this, I feel like I can say pretty much anything in this journal, and be as boring as I like.:)

sometimes i think i don't really have any friends...

(being "stabbed in the back" sucks, and so does being ditched, repeatedly)

I think I am going to find myself a whole new set of people to hang out with. And maybe acquire more boys.

This outrage is temporary. I'll experience it and let it pass over me. And by the time heads stop flying I will already be back to the sweet generous calm Kat everybody's used to.

I still miss Michael. I wish I could get a better picture of him so that I could paint his portrait.

So, one of my ex bf's is being an asshole to me on Facebook. This is nothing new, once in a while I get an ex or two who has nothing better to do that to insult me. It's stupid and immature. It shouldn't bother me.
It barely does, really. I mean, I've made mistakes and when you choose to date somebody there's always a risk that they're not the person you'd want to hang around with. Somehow, when I'm going on a date with somebody, Iapply different standards to people. Dates can easily turn out less than what I'm willing to tolerate. I keep telling myself that I should get a different set of standards. I'm working on it.
But why are people willing to be assholes to each other? THAT is what bothers me. Why can't people just let go. Why spread misery?
I can't understant why cruelty is so common. I'd prefer indifference.

I am changing the world around me, little by little. But sometimes things get me down, and I don't know whether my so-called mission is worth all the effort.

Now I'm done ranting. This means when I go to bed, my head will be a little more empty and I can concentrate on making tomorrow a day worth living.

It's been 3 years now, yet I still dream of him. And in that other, dream, life, I still yearn for some romance.
I was the one who left. I was the one who made the decision that things could not continue the way they were.
Yet he keeps haunting me.
I've mourned the loss enough already. I have another life now, not like then.
Still, for several moments prior to getting up I feel that old pain.

I regret nothing.

It's been 2 days now, like my Ulysses said: we're past the halfway point. I crave his presence; even if we're in different rooms each doing his own thing, it still beats being alone in a somewhat empty house (do cats count?). I was going to go Downtown to hang out with Stevenator, but I feel kind of "blah" about it. Besides, I need to clean up this place before J. is back (at least bring it down to the level of mess we had before he left).
I feel a bit down right now, which comes as no surprise, really. I'd be more worried if I felt great :) (I do feel like a "great", though, as in "The Great Procrastinatior Kat").
Maybe I'll nap or something and forget about everything for a short while. Or maybe I should just spend the rest of the day drawing, with my phone off. I need to come up with something that will sustain me in good spirits till after the Back-to-School party @ PMD.

 

I've been neglecting this journal for ages, ever since Michael died updating it hasn't been the same. So now I've graduated, got married and today I picked up a kitten bringing the total of our household cats up to three. Three cats is a lot, but I can handle it, because my heart has room enough for plenty.
I need a job, soon. I miss having my own money to spend. Being a "kept woman" is flattering to some degree, but it's no way to live.
I'm doing much better now. I don't feel like my lifespan needs to be cut short artificially, not yet anyway. I am loved and well-cared for, and I can now take better care of myself. What a great way to live: knowing that the world outside my head doesn't have to be hostile and the air I breathe is no longer poison (on that note, i should work on quitting smoking soon).
Hopefully I'll get back into the habit of keeping a journal as there are still some conclusions that need arriving at.

I am free now from something that bothered me for several years, I do not want a do-over, it's behind me and I can go on living without this burden.

(have to go have sex now)

Today I wrote my last undergraduate exam (it was French, it was hard, but I'm finally done!) and I'm leaving for Ottawa on Sunday. I'm really sleepy and tired right now (probably 'cause of that celebratory beer), but otherwise I'm okay. J left for Ottawa today, I'll follow him on Sunday. I am slightly more neurotic than I'd like, but I can afford that. I'm going to cuddle with Shpion now and try to relax, daydream, maybe.

You've been gone too long
And in this melancholy night
I no longer long
for your presence.

The first one was fifty, the next - fifty-seven
One - broken, the other - dead,
One sunken in silence,
The other - in violence
And both buried deep in my head.

Trapped like dried flowers
Between yellow pages
Of books I intended to read
They come to visit
Crazy - or is it
Simply my greed?

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am to have survived to this age relatively intact, and to be growing rather than wilting and dying.
I'm really happy with my two cats, my J, my new home. I would never have imagined things could go this well.
I wish I didn't have to lose focus and feel cold and lost again. But such is my cross, and I'll carry it until....

I've had my fill of her, and the next time she calls "Fuck off" might as well be my answer. Sometimes I'm too nice. If I were more assertive or less fragile, I wouldn't have to deal with this right now. Oh  well. At least school-wise I'm close to where I need to be. And the cats are always there to entertain me with their antics. And I'm still in love (unbelievable, I thought spending time with the object of affection cures that eventually). Also, I'm going to have dinner soon. Avec n'importe quoi.
And that way she might as well be dead.

...(so that those of us left behing could have some closure and move on)

I still miss you, Princess Mischa.

I don't know how much longer I can last under all this pressure. In fact, I almost wish I had a breakdown, so that I can stop worrying about when I'm finally going to explode.
All this noise is driving me crazy, and...well, I don't know if I care anymore. Maybe it will even please some people to see a broken, vulnerable Kat.

Maybe I'll punch somebody in the face today. That way, at least, I'd go out with a bit of a bang.
Enough of this,
Kat out.